i was obsessed with my own pain, for a long time. i couldn't study, i couldn't think, i couldn't do anything. i was so obsessed with pain for so long that if i did not feel pain, i would create a reason to feel pain. i would be so immersed in it that i wouldn't know what is happening around me. it was basically a time of 'me's and 'I's.

then i felt so suffocated. i got used to the pain so much that i was not able to cry. that pain became a daily thing. there were no tears. and even if they flowed it was dry. it was not real.

i heard the sermon on sunday. i felt that it was meant for me. that Jesus was talking to me. He told me that what i was doing to myself was not right and that He didn't like it one bit. He asked me to stop doing it if i loved Him. so i have stopped. i am not obsessing about it anymore.

if there is pain, i will bear it. i will bear it, because what He bore for me was thousand times harder and thousand times more painful. my pain is nothing in front of His.

i will always be His and His only.